Watery Vengeance

Today, I was having a leisurely swim in my pool while my little cousins were over. My little cousin asked if we could play Marco Polo, but said he had to go pee first. My dad said, "Don't pee in the pool, or the water will turn blue!" I think he got that myth wrong, seeing as the water is already blue, but that's beside the point. Anyways, my other little cousin shouted, "Cool!" He then closed his eyes and concentrated very hard, and then looked down at his legs.

And that is why I am in here right now.

Exercising Farts

Today, while I was sitting on my dad's exercise ball, I smelled something foul coming from the sink, and I thought to myself, "The only reason that we think things smell bad is because people have told us that they smell bad, and we associate the objects that produce them as 'gross', like skunks. But really, the smells don't hurt us at all, do they? I mean, for all we know, flowers could actually be the most putrid-smelling things in the world, and skunks could be one of the most wonderful scents ever, so maybe we're just perceiving it wrong."

After this, I realized that nobody would care if I farted into the exercise ball I was sitting on, because they would never know I farted into it in the first place if they never heard the sound or saw me do it. I was wrong.

I explained my theory to my father after hearing him ask what happened to the exercise ball and why it smells like arse. After having explained it to him, he automatically jumped to the assumption that I was guilty of causing the smell. He told me I stunk and that I should go take a shower before and after using his exercise equipment, because nobody likes a "smelly boy", to which I responded, "Yeah, and nobody likes a shitty exercise ball."

Hail to the King!

I don't like Bruno Mars. Nothing wrong with him as a person, as far as I know, unless he goes all O.J. Simpson on us. I don't like his music. I'm not going to trash him or anything, but I feel like if he sang about Duke Nukem, his songs wold be better.

"Gonna rip off your head, and shit down your neck,
Heck, I might even go medieval on your ass,
Nobody's gon' tell me I can't."

And who is Duke Nukem, you non-gaming "experience the outdoors"-type people might ask? Duke Nukem is the King. He's the Elvis Presley - no, the Chuck Norris of video games.

See those? This guy's got BALLS OF STEEL! More balls than Michael Phelps and Randy Moss put together - well, actually that wouldn't be so tough, because of all of the steroids. Get it? Yeah, you get it. Good.

Charlie Sheen's Big Book of Poetry

Now, I'm sure we all know by now that Charlie Sheen is no Mark Twain, but he's a lot funnier than Mark Twain ever was. Let's take a look at some of his quotes. You know the drill - me in bold, Sheen in italics.


"But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know."

No, I don't know. Would you care to elaborate, Sheen?

"I don't have time for their judgement and their stupidity and you know they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say, 'I can't process it' well, no, you never will stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show. You know?"
 
No, I still don't know. Are you on drugs or something?

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen."

Okay, that explains it. What did you do today, Charlie?

"I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill."

I literally just finished watching 28 Weeks Later fifteen minutes ago, and I'm pretty sure none of that stuff happened. 

"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children."  

Okay, droopy-eyed, maybe. But armless? 


Thanks for your time, Charlie.